auntiemeesh (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
auntiemeesh) wrote2006-05-04 01:44 pm
auntiemeesh) wrote2006-05-04 01:44 pm
Entry tags:
SGA rough draft
This is just a snippet I've been playing with the past day or two. I'm not sure it entirely does what I want it to do, but I thought I'd post it anyway. Feel free to make suggestions for improvement.
Sheppard's eyes lit up as he took in the sight of the scientist draped across the lab table, a light snore the only sound in the stunned silence of the room.
Looking up, he met Zelenka's equally amused gaze, a positively evil expression crossing the Czech's face as he realized the ramifications of what he'd just seen.
Lips twitching in sympathy, Sheppard looked back down to McKay, now drooling on his laptop, before shifting his gaze to the small device McKay had handed him a moment before. The device, which had been a matte black before activation, was now glowing warmly, nestled snugly in the palm of his hand.
"I think I'll just hold on to this one," he remarked, allowing a grin to stretch his features as he slipped the device into his pocket.
Sheppard's eyes lit up as he took in the sight of the scientist draped across the lab table, a light snore the only sound in the stunned silence of the room.
Looking up, he met Zelenka's equally amused gaze, a positively evil expression crossing the Czech's face as he realized the ramifications of what he'd just seen.
Lips twitching in sympathy, Sheppard looked back down to McKay, now drooling on his laptop, before shifting his gaze to the small device McKay had handed him a moment before. The device, which had been a matte black before activation, was now glowing warmly, nestled snugly in the palm of his hand.
"I think I'll just hold on to this one," he remarked, allowing a grin to stretch his features as he slipped the device into his pocket.
no subject
no subject
Is this any better?
***
Sheppard's eyes lit up as he took in the sight of the scientist draped across the lab table, a light snore the only sound in the stunned silence of the room.
“Here, try this one,” McKay said, handing Sheppard the small, flat, oval-shaped device. “Simpson found it in that medical lab they explored last week.”
Looking up, he met Zelenka's equally amused gaze, a positively evil expression crossing the Czech's face as he realized the ramifications of what he'd just seen.
Sheppard took the device, noting as he did so the large purple circles under McKay’s eyes. He wondered absently when his teammate had last slept. Even as the thought crossed his mind, the device in his hand began flashing, and McKay slumped to the side, head coming to rest on the lab table.
Lips twitching in sympathy, Sheppard looked back down to McKay, now drooling on his laptop, before shifting his gaze to the small, innocuous-looking artifact. The device, which had been a matte black before activation, was now glowing, nestled snug and warm in the palm of his hand.
There had been a moment of panic, carefully hidden on Sheppard’s part and made vocally obvious by the rest of the scientists in the lab until everyone realized McKay had simply fallen aslee. Then the worried babbling fell into awed silence, marred only by the plotting he could practically *hear* inside each scientis’s head.
"I think I'll just hold on to this one," he remarked, allowing a grin to stretch his features as he slipped the device into his pocket. This was solely for McKay’s safety, he assured himself. It wasn’t like he was going to *use* it or anything. At least, not often.
Re: Is this any better?
I got that McKay had fallen asleep, and that the glowing device had something to do with it. I think the main part of my confusion was just the device itself, and what exactly Sheppard's part in it had been. I can tell that McKay has just fallen asleep, but it's unclear how it happened. The wording at the beginning makes it seem like Shep has just come into the room and found McKay sleeping, not that he was there and saw him fall asleep. Also, it wasn't clear from the first part that McKay's handing it to Shep had caused Shep to activate it and send McKay slumping asleep. The revision makes that clear, but I think it's too short of a piece and too short of a time period to use the flashback format -- you can certainly do it as one little scene.
Actually, you could take that first italicized bit ("Here, try this one")... as the beginning, and then transition to Shep's thoughts and then the slumping and confusion, then stunned silence and Zelenka's evil grin. You don't need to add the part about noticing that McKay had simply fallen asleep -- people will pick up on that part with the light snoring and the drool. Hee! Now I get why he pockets the device at the end! lol!
Re: Is this any better?