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Origins of the car dick
Oct. 6th, 2014 10:03 pmWhat is a car dick, you might ask. Well, you've come to the right place, because I can tell you all about the car dicks of the world.
Once upon a time, about a year and a half ago, I was walking home from work and had my first experience with the car dick. Now, this was not the first time I'd seen someone do something stupid or thoughtless or downright mean on the road, but it was in this moment that the idea of car dicks and the Car Dick Fairy sprang upon me.
As I walked down the main drag through Squirrel Hill and Greenfield, a car zipped past. It's been some time so I no longer remember what the car looked like or even the specifics of what it was doing. What I remember was thinking that all the other drivers on the road must have been having mini-panic attacks as their lives flashed before their eyes and they briefly thought of all the loved ones they'd never see again because this asshole was going to kill them with his asshole driving. I felt that a special term was required for people like this, people who are maybe perfectly fine outside of a car, but become ragingly awful to everyone around them once they are encased in their mobile tons of steel and fiberglass and rubber. These people aren't just assholes or dicks, they are car dicks.
In the same moment was born the Car Dick Fairy. The Car Dick Fairy is summoned for particularly egregious moments of assholery. The wonderful thing about the Car Dick Fairy is that she's all sweetness and light. She doesn't scream or shout or threaten. She doesn't promise horrible things to come. She just whispers sweetly in our car dick's ear. He's just zoomed past three cars in the right lane and then made a sudden and unexpected left turn without signaling? The Car Dick Fairy alights on his shoulder and whispers in a gentle silvery tone all the things the people in those cars were feeling as he did those reckless and dangerous things. With the added bonus that as she whispers, she waves a sparkly little wand and the car dick is suddenly feeling all the heart-stopping things she just whispered to him. And then, once he's practically wet himself from the reflected fear and anxiety of those around him, she kindly whispers 'good day' and flits off to deal with the next car dick. Because sadly, as sure as there are cars on the road, there will always be another car dick.
(Gratuitous self-promotion: I'm attempting to get a twitter thing going here, so if you're on the Twitter, please follow me @cardickfairy and retweet me. Thanks bunches!)
Once upon a time, about a year and a half ago, I was walking home from work and had my first experience with the car dick. Now, this was not the first time I'd seen someone do something stupid or thoughtless or downright mean on the road, but it was in this moment that the idea of car dicks and the Car Dick Fairy sprang upon me.
As I walked down the main drag through Squirrel Hill and Greenfield, a car zipped past. It's been some time so I no longer remember what the car looked like or even the specifics of what it was doing. What I remember was thinking that all the other drivers on the road must have been having mini-panic attacks as their lives flashed before their eyes and they briefly thought of all the loved ones they'd never see again because this asshole was going to kill them with his asshole driving. I felt that a special term was required for people like this, people who are maybe perfectly fine outside of a car, but become ragingly awful to everyone around them once they are encased in their mobile tons of steel and fiberglass and rubber. These people aren't just assholes or dicks, they are car dicks.
In the same moment was born the Car Dick Fairy. The Car Dick Fairy is summoned for particularly egregious moments of assholery. The wonderful thing about the Car Dick Fairy is that she's all sweetness and light. She doesn't scream or shout or threaten. She doesn't promise horrible things to come. She just whispers sweetly in our car dick's ear. He's just zoomed past three cars in the right lane and then made a sudden and unexpected left turn without signaling? The Car Dick Fairy alights on his shoulder and whispers in a gentle silvery tone all the things the people in those cars were feeling as he did those reckless and dangerous things. With the added bonus that as she whispers, she waves a sparkly little wand and the car dick is suddenly feeling all the heart-stopping things she just whispered to him. And then, once he's practically wet himself from the reflected fear and anxiety of those around him, she kindly whispers 'good day' and flits off to deal with the next car dick. Because sadly, as sure as there are cars on the road, there will always be another car dick.
(Gratuitous self-promotion: I'm attempting to get a twitter thing going here, so if you're on the Twitter, please follow me @cardickfairy and retweet me. Thanks bunches!)
