LotR fic: Sailing Down the River Alone
Aug. 7th, 2006 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
auntiemeeshIt's late and I'm tired but I seem unable to go to bed. So I wrote a little something for Topaz's drabble prompt. It's unbetaed, so if you see any glaring (or even not so glaring) errors feel free to poke me with them.
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topaztook requested Merry, Pippin and Freddy Bolger. Image: fishing on the Brandywine. Thinking about what they've learned about love.
Title: Sailing Down the River Alone
Rating: G
Pairing: reference to Pippin/Diamond
Warnings: involves reaction to non-major character death, which occurs before this begins.
Author's Note: This is a follow up to Plans. The title comes from an Oasis song - Listen Up
Merry paddled the little boat closer to the bank for the comfort of Freddy Bolger, who was looking just a trifle green around the gills. Merry knew he'd only agreed to go fishing with them this morning because he was feeling very protective of Pippin these days and wouldn't let his cousin go off alone (apparently Merry didn't count).
It had been a long three months since Diamond had died, with Pippin recovering from his illness so painfully slowly. He'd finally recovered completely, at least physically, but he didn't laugh anymore, and barely even smiled except when wee Faramir did something exceptionally charming. It had taken the combined effort of Merry and Estella, Freddy, and even Sam and Rosie to get Pippin to agree to this visit, and Merry was desperately hoping it would do his cousin some good.
To that end, he was doing his best to keep the conversation light, but Pippin was having none of it. "I mean, really, Cousin," he was arguing bitterly, "what is the point of love, anyway? All it gets you is pain and loss and more pain. Look at Frodo; he loved the Shire dearly and what did it get him? The loss of a finger was the least of it. He lost himself, he lost his home, and all for a bunch of self-absorbed ninnies who barely even remember his name."
"That's hardly fair," Freddy replied, keeping his eyes glued on Pippin (Merry was pretty sure Freddy thought if he ignored the water, it would just go away). "Yes, Frodo lost a great deal, but do you think he begrudged it? Can you honestly say, for one minute, that Frodo regretted what he did?"
"Of course he regretted it," Merry was forced to answer. "Every day that he was here, he regretted having been too slow, too weak to fully succeed in his mission. He regretted that he could no longer call the Shire home, and he regretted that he would have to leave us all behind when he left, as he knew he would eventually. But he never regretted accepting his task. He never thought to himself, 'oh, all those silly buggers in the Shire aren't worth all this, I think I'll just turn round and give up now." Merry paused for a moment, trying to find the proper words for his thoughts. "That's what love is, you know. He sacrificed himself so that we could all live our little lives here, floating down a river in the early morning debating love."
"That's all well and good but it still left us with having to say good-bye to him, didn't it?" Pippin replied hotly. "Long before we were ready or should have needed to be ready. And that's what I'm saying. That's what love gives us. A farewell when all we want is time together." He closed his eyes and turned his face away from his friends.
"So, what about Faramir, then?" Merry asked, trying to find some way to break through the wall of pain Pippin had built about himself. "Will you not love him then, in order to avoid that farewell, or will you leave him so that he cannot leave you. I'm sure Estella would be more than happy for a bairn to raise." He braced himself, unsure how Pippin would respond to such an absurd offer.
Pippin stiffened, face still turned away from his friends. "I..." his fists clenched and unclenched and a muscle in his jaw jumped but he made no further reply. He seemed frozen, caught by that idea, although whether in horror or in guilty relief, Merry couldn't tell. It bothered him that his cousin had become so adrift that Merry couldn't gauge this thing at all.
It was Freddy who broke the stalemate between cousins. "Honestly, Merry. I know you and Estella are craving children, but I would think you'd do better to have your own than to go about stealing others." He spoke in jesting tones, but there was a look in his eye which said Merry had gone too far and he, Freddy, wouldn't stand for any more such nonsense. Freddy had changed during the Troubles, as had they all, all the chaff of his personality burned away, leaving only an unexpectedly strong core. In the years since the Travellers had returned and rescued the Shire, much of that core had been hidden again, but it was still there, lurking under a pleasant smile and mild manners.
Pippin took a deep breath and let out some of the tension he'd been holding in. "No, Merry's right," he said, in a voice barely audible over the soft sussurations of the water. "Every time I look at Faramir, I see Diamond. He looks so much like her with those soft black curls and big blue eyes. And I do fear, every minute of every day, that I'll lose him, too. I have nightmares where I go into his room and he's just...gone, and no one can find him. It would be so much easier if I could just not love him. Send him away and send all the fear with him, but I could never do that. He is everything to me. All I have of Diamond, all I have of me, I sometimes think." Pippin's voice trembled slightly and he sniffed, just once, before dabbing at his nose with a handkerchief. "Ah, I don't know. I can't pretend that it's easy, looking at him and seeing her, but I also see him, if you know what I mean. I see the potential he has to be his own hobbit when he's grown. I want to know him when he's grown into that person, be the one to help him jump all the hurdles between now and then. Does that make any sense?"
"Aye," Merry answered even as Freddy nodded his head silently. "And that's what love is, as well as the pain and the fear of loss. It's the wanting to make sure that the ones you love have everything they need, that you be the one to give it to them if it's within your power."
There was a long silence then, broken only by the slap of waves against their boat. Then Freddy's line bobbed and there was a flurry of activity as the Freddy tried to reel in the fish he'd caught. For the rest of the morning, the conversation was light, centered around fishing, small domestic activities and reminsences of times gone by, and Merry's heart was lighter as he listened to Pippin gently ribbing Freddy for some prank the other hobbit had unsuccessfully attempted to pull on old Bilbo many, many years ago. Pippin wasn't fixed, not nearly, but Merry thought his cousin and dearest friend had finally taken the first step towards recovery. He was willing to allow Pippin the time he needed to walk the path, and to lend him support as often as he needed it, all along the way.
topaztook requested Merry, Pippin and Freddy Bolger. Image: fishing on the Brandywine. Thinking about what they've learned about love.Title: Sailing Down the River Alone
Rating: G
Pairing: reference to Pippin/Diamond
Warnings: involves reaction to non-major character death, which occurs before this begins.
Author's Note: This is a follow up to Plans. The title comes from an Oasis song - Listen Up
Merry paddled the little boat closer to the bank for the comfort of Freddy Bolger, who was looking just a trifle green around the gills. Merry knew he'd only agreed to go fishing with them this morning because he was feeling very protective of Pippin these days and wouldn't let his cousin go off alone (apparently Merry didn't count).
It had been a long three months since Diamond had died, with Pippin recovering from his illness so painfully slowly. He'd finally recovered completely, at least physically, but he didn't laugh anymore, and barely even smiled except when wee Faramir did something exceptionally charming. It had taken the combined effort of Merry and Estella, Freddy, and even Sam and Rosie to get Pippin to agree to this visit, and Merry was desperately hoping it would do his cousin some good.
To that end, he was doing his best to keep the conversation light, but Pippin was having none of it. "I mean, really, Cousin," he was arguing bitterly, "what is the point of love, anyway? All it gets you is pain and loss and more pain. Look at Frodo; he loved the Shire dearly and what did it get him? The loss of a finger was the least of it. He lost himself, he lost his home, and all for a bunch of self-absorbed ninnies who barely even remember his name."
"That's hardly fair," Freddy replied, keeping his eyes glued on Pippin (Merry was pretty sure Freddy thought if he ignored the water, it would just go away). "Yes, Frodo lost a great deal, but do you think he begrudged it? Can you honestly say, for one minute, that Frodo regretted what he did?"
"Of course he regretted it," Merry was forced to answer. "Every day that he was here, he regretted having been too slow, too weak to fully succeed in his mission. He regretted that he could no longer call the Shire home, and he regretted that he would have to leave us all behind when he left, as he knew he would eventually. But he never regretted accepting his task. He never thought to himself, 'oh, all those silly buggers in the Shire aren't worth all this, I think I'll just turn round and give up now." Merry paused for a moment, trying to find the proper words for his thoughts. "That's what love is, you know. He sacrificed himself so that we could all live our little lives here, floating down a river in the early morning debating love."
"That's all well and good but it still left us with having to say good-bye to him, didn't it?" Pippin replied hotly. "Long before we were ready or should have needed to be ready. And that's what I'm saying. That's what love gives us. A farewell when all we want is time together." He closed his eyes and turned his face away from his friends.
"So, what about Faramir, then?" Merry asked, trying to find some way to break through the wall of pain Pippin had built about himself. "Will you not love him then, in order to avoid that farewell, or will you leave him so that he cannot leave you. I'm sure Estella would be more than happy for a bairn to raise." He braced himself, unsure how Pippin would respond to such an absurd offer.
Pippin stiffened, face still turned away from his friends. "I..." his fists clenched and unclenched and a muscle in his jaw jumped but he made no further reply. He seemed frozen, caught by that idea, although whether in horror or in guilty relief, Merry couldn't tell. It bothered him that his cousin had become so adrift that Merry couldn't gauge this thing at all.
It was Freddy who broke the stalemate between cousins. "Honestly, Merry. I know you and Estella are craving children, but I would think you'd do better to have your own than to go about stealing others." He spoke in jesting tones, but there was a look in his eye which said Merry had gone too far and he, Freddy, wouldn't stand for any more such nonsense. Freddy had changed during the Troubles, as had they all, all the chaff of his personality burned away, leaving only an unexpectedly strong core. In the years since the Travellers had returned and rescued the Shire, much of that core had been hidden again, but it was still there, lurking under a pleasant smile and mild manners.
Pippin took a deep breath and let out some of the tension he'd been holding in. "No, Merry's right," he said, in a voice barely audible over the soft sussurations of the water. "Every time I look at Faramir, I see Diamond. He looks so much like her with those soft black curls and big blue eyes. And I do fear, every minute of every day, that I'll lose him, too. I have nightmares where I go into his room and he's just...gone, and no one can find him. It would be so much easier if I could just not love him. Send him away and send all the fear with him, but I could never do that. He is everything to me. All I have of Diamond, all I have of me, I sometimes think." Pippin's voice trembled slightly and he sniffed, just once, before dabbing at his nose with a handkerchief. "Ah, I don't know. I can't pretend that it's easy, looking at him and seeing her, but I also see him, if you know what I mean. I see the potential he has to be his own hobbit when he's grown. I want to know him when he's grown into that person, be the one to help him jump all the hurdles between now and then. Does that make any sense?"
"Aye," Merry answered even as Freddy nodded his head silently. "And that's what love is, as well as the pain and the fear of loss. It's the wanting to make sure that the ones you love have everything they need, that you be the one to give it to them if it's within your power."
There was a long silence then, broken only by the slap of waves against their boat. Then Freddy's line bobbed and there was a flurry of activity as the Freddy tried to reel in the fish he'd caught. For the rest of the morning, the conversation was light, centered around fishing, small domestic activities and reminsences of times gone by, and Merry's heart was lighter as he listened to Pippin gently ribbing Freddy for some prank the other hobbit had unsuccessfully attempted to pull on old Bilbo many, many years ago. Pippin wasn't fixed, not nearly, but Merry thought his cousin and dearest friend had finally taken the first step towards recovery. He was willing to allow Pippin the time he needed to walk the path, and to lend him support as often as he needed it, all along the way.
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Date: 2006-08-08 10:19 am (UTC)That's very beautiful.
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Date: 2006-08-08 12:37 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-08-08 02:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 05:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 05:30 pm (UTC)But I like the way Merry and Freddy are taking care of him.
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Date: 2006-08-08 05:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 01:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 03:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 02:23 am (UTC)"That's what love is, you know. He sacrificed himself so that we could all live our little lives here, floating down a river in the early morning debating love."
SO true.
And the paragraph about Pippin looking at Faramir and seeing Diamond is so poignant. :*(
and Merry's response is so true:
"And that's what love is, as well as the pain and the fear of loss. It's the wanting to make sure that the ones you love have everything they need, that you be the one to give it to them if it's within your power."
So true. i so agree with this and it brings tears to me to read this for it strikes me really deeply.
Thank you so much for this! I'm soooo glad to see you writing again!
::memories this::
♥
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Date: 2006-08-09 03:45 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked this. :)
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Date: 2006-08-09 03:45 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-08-09 09:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 09:46 pm (UTC)I'm wondering more now about who your Freddy is
'My' Freddy doesn't really exist, as this is pretty much the first time I've really written anything with any sort of focus on him. I think, though, that Freddy feels very strongly about Merry, Pippin and Sam. I think he loved Frodo as much as the others did and this is one way he can do something for him, even after Frodo is gone. He can look after the others when they need it, and Pippin definitely needs it right now.
It would be fun to explore his personality, and his relationship with the others, more, but I don't honestly see that happening any time soon.